how i’ve been feeling
am i sure? April 4, 2007
i’ve been a little sad lately.
… am i sure of what the Lord has put in my heart? no. not anymore.
do i want to know? yeah, of course.
why is it so hard to realize the depth of this matter? why can’t i see my own heart anymore?
the crown i used to wear of His seems to be missing… can anyone see it? i think i threw it down somewhere before Him. but now i don’t seem to have the identity i was so used to. that’s what seems to be.
i’ve lost the essence of me.
this lack of drive is fueled by a lack of community which is then fueled by a lack of time with Him.
He has given me this time of rest and i just do nothing. i don’t look for Him and i don’t pray… something needs to change. i should be resting in Him. not apart from Him. maybe i don’t know how to rest in Him anymore.
ugh. i don’t even know what my deal is right now. i sort of feel like i can’t really do anything.
i don’t really remember what He’s called me to or who He’s called me to be. i have those distant, searing memories that remind me of a time when i knew… but they just remind me of the time, not of who i am. i need to know. i need to know who i am to the One who created me. i need that Love. i need that solidity. i need Jesus.
i don’t want pity. i want wisdom. i don’t want what sounds good. i want truth. i don’t want the outward. i want a tender heart, first. i know money isn’t the answer. i know things aren’t what i need. i know it’s Jesus that i crave. i know it’s Him that i am thirsty for. i just can’t seem to do anything. i might just have to wait. maybe that’s why she told me “the Lord has given you the gift of waiting”… maybe that’s why.
oh, to know what the desires of my heart are and to be able to do them. gone are those days. long gone. they left me when i moved to colorado. more specifically, after i went to school there. i’ve tried so hard to do what i love to do, but nothing seems to work. so then i sortof stop doing those things. knowing Him, painting, photopraphy, dance, praying, loving. the well that they spring from seems to have dried up. hopefully that well will be full again soon because i feel so empty and aimless right now.
am i sure of what the Lord has put in my heart?
nope.
not anymore.
but hopefully i’ll get back there eventually.
LC
sicky… and my first blog April 4, 2007
well, i barely slept last night and i woke up feeling yucky… you know, like when you’re sick and everything hurts in this weird kind of pain. well, that’s me today. i haven’t been sick in a long while and i forgot what it felt like. but now i remember. and, to make matters worse, when i am sick my brain likes to turn parts of itself off. and i don’t like that.
on the plus side of things, i don’t have to work till saturday. good thing God is all knowing and that He planned it like that because He knew i’d be sick this week. yeah, He’s cool like that.
i miss Him.
there really is nothing anywhere like the Presence of God. that’s for sure. and when you’re in it, you know it. peace, rest, faith, love, prayer… all flows from being with Him.
i want to be there with Him.
well, so much for my fist blog. we’ll see if i can be consistent with this so as to let you all know what’s going on with my life… right.
LC
